Jeff Darren Muse

Tough Love

Featured in Dear Park Ranger: Essays on Manhood, Restlessness, and the Geography of Hope

From “A Little League All Her Own”:

“At nineteen, I began to figure this out. I began to understand that what troubled me wasn’t the size of my helmet but the insecurity inside it, the fear, an unnerving secret. It came to me one evening after practice during my sophomore year at DePauw University, a prestigious school, picturesque, a haven for wealthy midwesterners. I’d squeaked in thanks to good grades and financial aid and because I’d attended the Tigers’ football camp for teenagers. At camp, I’d met DePauw’s head coach, Nick Morouzis, a wiry man with a rousing voice. He loved to yell, a fun yell, especially when you were sweating, aching, arguing with self-talk. ‘You gotta want it, baby!’ Coach Nick would holler, never swearing, never letting up. And I did, I wanted it, wanted it bad. I became a Tiger.

“Coach Nick wore thick glasses and smiled a lot, seeming to dole out constant praise. I even took his on-the-field critiques as tough love from a spirited mentor. It was easy to trust Coach Nick, who treated everyone like he belonged. But that evening after practice, when I needed to confide in him, I didn’t feel comfortable at all.

“I walked toward Coach Nick as he stood outside the locker room. I was still in my pads, carrying my helmet. And I waited as he talked with one of my teammates who was bigger, faster, stronger. I watched as a little man counseled a giant boy, thinking about all the years I’d kept up. By then I’d lifted literally tons of weights. I’d memorized playbooks. I looked the part.

“‘Coach,’ I asked, when he glanced my way, ‘can I talk to you a minute?’

“‘Sure, son,’ he said. I wanted privacy. He could tell.”

At nineteen, I began to figure this out. I began to understand that what troubled me wasn’t the size of my helmet but the insecurity inside it, the fear, an unnerving secret. It came to me one evening after practice during my sophomore year at DePauw University, a prestigious school, picturesque, a haven for wealthy midwesterners. I’d squeaked in thanks to good grades and financial aid and because I’d attended the Tigers’ football camp for teenagers. At camp, I’d met DePauw’s head coach, Nick Morouzis, a wiry man with a rousing voice. He loved to yell, a fun yell, especially when you were sweating, aching, arguing with self-talk. “You gotta want it, baby!” Coach Nick would holler, never swearing, never letting up. And I did, I wanted it, wanted it bad. I became a Tiger.

Coach Nick wore thick glasses and smiled a lot, seeming to dole out constant praise. I even took his on-the-field critiques as tough love from a spirited mentor. It was easy to trust Coach Nick, who treated everyone like he belonged. But that evening after practice, when I needed to confide in him, I didn’t feel comfortable at all.

Learn more about Dear Park Ranger, now available for preorder at Homebound Publications! Release date: May 5, 2023.